It's late & I can't stop thinking.

I have to learn to stop waiting for things. 

Stop waiting to live. Stop waiting for people to change, for things to happen, for people to love me. 

I realize that I desire the need to be needed and wanted for who I am and for the love I so readily give people to be returned, but it so rarely is. 

I need to learn to let go of the things that I have allowed to drown me for so long, the people and memories that haunt me and prevent me from moving forward. 

It's hard. 

I'll get there.

Vices & Need

I realize I have a vice.

I crave loss.

The loss of control, the loss of myself.

I'm becoming a being who craves sensation, a hedonist bent on destroying myself in a deluge of desire and lust.

I want it all, D/s, bondage, sex, sadism all at once. I want to lose myself to that riptide.

It's the only way I can feel totally together, totally present and at ease. 

It's a craving I don't know how to control. 

It's a desire that can only be abated through action. And right now I'm more than 450 miles away from someone who can give that to me. 

I wish I knew what to do, because this creeping feeling is slowly engulfing me; this need. 

This is masochism at its most acute and I don't think I like it.

Fiona Asks, I Answer.

Now I mentioned that I have some off base fetishes; they're ones that I consider particularly controversial or significant edge play. 

My introduction to BDSM came at 13 years of age; chat rooms in AOL and Internet curiosity had me delving into things I couldn't comprehend at the time.

I had stumbled across a website that became the basis for my first fetish, one that I have kept hidden for more than a decade.

I have a hypnosis fetish. I loved and desired the idea of losing complete control. Willfully (or not) divesting yourself of the thoughts in your head for them to be replaced by whatever or whomever was doing the enthralling. 

I told someone about this for the first time ever, a year ago. They encouraged me to tell SO once he decided to embrace a D/s dynamic. I did, he seemed into it and we'll see what happens...

As for other things, I just have some more extreme sides to my fetishes. I consider myself to be a bone deep sub; being engulfed in my submission is ecstasy. So, that being said the things I desire and fantasize about get a little intense (at least I think so) compared to some other people.

- Permanent ownership marks 

- Branding via Violet Wand

- Fire play

- Capture/Take down fantasies

- Permanent, unremovable collar/cuffs

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's ok to want these things, that the societal shame response isn't necessary when it comes to my own personal desire. It's hard to not let social convention rule me; I've been constantly worried about other's opinions for 24 years...

But I want to thank Fiona for asking and allowing me to use that as a springboard for courage. 

Find the lovely Fiona at www.sirqandme.blogspot.com

Liebster Award

I'm absolutely flabbergasted and honored by Fiona's nomination for this. 

Find her at sirqandme.blogspot.com

I haven't been blogging much, there's a fair amount to tell, but little action to back it up for the moment; plus work and school and grad school applications have taken precedence. 

But I'll take a whack at this so here goes...

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2, Display the award on your blog--by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a "widget" or a "gadget".

Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. Nominate 5 - 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers.

6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written published it, you then have to:

8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

Fiona's Questions

1. What's your favorite erotic book?

I'm in love with the Original Sinners series by Tiffany Reisz, but Roni Loren's "Into You" series has taken up residence on my iPhone until The Priest releases in June.

2. Does anyone in vanilla life know about your kink?

Not exactly, no. I keep it private for the most part but I'm sure there's a small army of people that have figured it out ha ha.

3. What's your favorite sex toy?

It's a toss up between my princess plug that Sir gave me and Lance, my massive dildo.

4. What's your favorite color?

Purple :D

5. Do you prefer cold weather or hot weather?

I'm a chilly fall weather girl; I don't love winter cold below 20 degrees and I find heat and humidity intolerable even though I was born in midsummer.

6. What piece of furniture in your house do you love the most?

My bed. It's comfy, full of cozy pillows, it smells like Sir's cologne and it's the perfect bondage bed.

7. What's your favorite movie?

This is such a hard one! I love so many movies!!! But if I had to choose one to watch once a day forever, it would probably be Phantom of the Opera.

8. Has anyone other than your significant other ever spanked you?

Yes.

9. Do you consider yourself handy?

With horses and a farm, you have to be. I can definitely attest to being able to fix basic things, use a saw and a drill.

10. What would be your family and friends reaction to finding out you're kinky?

I think they'd all be a little disgusted, honestly. They're not the kind of people who are necessarily open minded to things like this. But that's alright, to each their own.

11. What's your favorite pair of shoes?

My custom made Renaissance Faire boots from Son of Sandlar. They only come out for the Faire, but I adore them. 

11 Random Facts About Me

1. I stress clean. 

2. I have a horrid addiction to buying handbags.

3. I have a happy little tumblr blog full of naughty (and sweet) images and words that just make me smile ...and other things...

4. I'm attending my first kink event in November, GKE.

5. I love to cook; I'll try any recipe at least twice.

6. I speak French almost fluently & and am currently teaching myself Spanish and Italian.

7. I have some very off base and intriguing fetishes that I finally confessed to SO/Sir and was ecstatic when he didn't run screaming.

8. I tend to become so absorbed in books that I will not stop reading to eat, pee, or otherwise until I've finished them.

9. I love being told to wear my plug in public and other subtle displays of public dominance.

10. I have the tiniest addiction to Coca-cola.

11. I have three more tattoos planned for the next two years. 

Now, for the moment, I need to come up with some questions and go back through the list of blogs I read to finish this, but I'll put that up ASAP!

Hugs and love to all!