Memories New & Old

I remember vividly, the day I told him I wanted to be dominated; to be owned and claimed. At 18, I understood what it meant to me and had finally accepted my need for submission to a trusted man's dominance. I trusted him enough to tell him. 

He didn't balk. He wanted to explore  with me as best we could. 

It was less dominance than kink at that time; some days it worked, others it didn't. But there came a fateful day that ended all things non-vanilla. 

He was playing with me while with another kinky couple. My girlfriend and I were wholly enjoying the delightful cropping we were getting from our respective tops. However, SO didn't understand that 

1. I am a masochist (I don't think I truly knew) and 

2. That tears were a way I process pain (they still are)

He saw me cry, panicked, and decided that he was a horrible person and that he abused me. Despite my efforts to explain my behavior, he believed that he had hurt me irrevocably. We didn't broach the subject of kink for years. 

Lots of rather unfulfilling sex and relationship troubles later, he expressed an interest in rope bondage and I gleefully allowed him to explore and practice with me over the holidays. 

Little did I know that such a thing would morph into what I had always dreamed of...

We spent a week recommitting each other to memory and heart. It's been wonderful. He never truly left my soul, but our ups and downs had taken things out of perspective. 

I was greeted by my lover and best friend and then, surprisingly, introduced to a dominant I never knew existed. 

It's new for him. He struggled a little. But he's in it for the long haul and when he gets into TTWD, he's actually very good at it. It took me years to learn to accept it; but I had no support. I look forward to exploring with him and helping him grow as much as he will help me. 

I leave him with a very heavy heart and deliciously sore in all the right places. 

Change Part II

It's been a long 6 weeks. 

Honestly, I don't remember the last thing I posted before yesterday. 

It's just been a barrage of bad news that's forced all the change I've mentioned yesterday.

I've been sick for almost 2 months, and having sought out a doctor for once in my life, fixing what was wrong seemed simple enough; it was the other things she found that rocketed me into this funk.

Like I said, you hope for things that slip through your fingers.

There's so much reevaluating I have to do on a personal level because of this diagnosis alone. I'm scared and frustrated. 

Also, SO and I have been doing really well. We've discussed moving back into relationship territory; this adds a whole host of other problems though. 

He's willing to bend and change; we've chatted a lot since new year's fun and he's willing to pursue giving D/s a try. It's a massive step for him. He loves me dearly, and I him; six years have not been lost on us - they've just been a little bumpy.

The rest of the years isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows like I had hoped. 

But at least it's a start in the right direction.