This happened today...

SO proposed! 

I'm in shock, but ecstatically happy.

This is an amazing year. 

The Leaves of Change

The leaves of change have fallen.

I got into veterinary school three days ago. It was a complete surprise.

SO and I will be apart for another four years. Things will be harder and everything is about to change. 

I'm afraid. I'm excited. I'm sad. 

This is a lot of things for me. 

But when He becomes the first person I tell that my dreams are finally being realized, and his support is so overarching and secure; I know that fate gave me my other half. 

Wish me luck. 

I won't be on here for a long time in a few months, if ever again, once I leave for school. 

Thanks for listening and for being there while so much has changed in the last year. 

Here's to bigger, better things. 

Dreaming.

I had a dream about you last night. 

I woke up crying. 

I've never known hell that felt so real.

Wishful thinking. 

It's late & I can't stop thinking.

I have to learn to stop waiting for things. 

Stop waiting to live. Stop waiting for people to change, for things to happen, for people to love me. 

I realize that I desire the need to be needed and wanted for who I am and for the love I so readily give people to be returned, but it so rarely is. 

I need to learn to let go of the things that I have allowed to drown me for so long, the people and memories that haunt me and prevent me from moving forward. 

It's hard. 

I'll get there.

Vices & Need

I realize I have a vice.

I crave loss.

The loss of control, the loss of myself.

I'm becoming a being who craves sensation, a hedonist bent on destroying myself in a deluge of desire and lust.

I want it all, D/s, bondage, sex, sadism all at once. I want to lose myself to that riptide.

It's the only way I can feel totally together, totally present and at ease. 

It's a craving I don't know how to control. 

It's a desire that can only be abated through action. And right now I'm more than 450 miles away from someone who can give that to me. 

I wish I knew what to do, because this creeping feeling is slowly engulfing me; this need. 

This is masochism at its most acute and I don't think I like it.

Fiona Asks, I Answer.

Now I mentioned that I have some off base fetishes; they're ones that I consider particularly controversial or significant edge play. 

My introduction to BDSM came at 13 years of age; chat rooms in AOL and Internet curiosity had me delving into things I couldn't comprehend at the time.

I had stumbled across a website that became the basis for my first fetish, one that I have kept hidden for more than a decade.

I have a hypnosis fetish. I loved and desired the idea of losing complete control. Willfully (or not) divesting yourself of the thoughts in your head for them to be replaced by whatever or whomever was doing the enthralling. 

I told someone about this for the first time ever, a year ago. They encouraged me to tell SO once he decided to embrace a D/s dynamic. I did, he seemed into it and we'll see what happens...

As for other things, I just have some more extreme sides to my fetishes. I consider myself to be a bone deep sub; being engulfed in my submission is ecstasy. So, that being said the things I desire and fantasize about get a little intense (at least I think so) compared to some other people.

- Permanent ownership marks 

- Branding via Violet Wand

- Fire play

- Capture/Take down fantasies

- Permanent, unremovable collar/cuffs

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's ok to want these things, that the societal shame response isn't necessary when it comes to my own personal desire. It's hard to not let social convention rule me; I've been constantly worried about other's opinions for 24 years...

But I want to thank Fiona for asking and allowing me to use that as a springboard for courage. 

Find the lovely Fiona at www.sirqandme.blogspot.com

Liebster Award

I'm absolutely flabbergasted and honored by Fiona's nomination for this. 

Find her at sirqandme.blogspot.com

I haven't been blogging much, there's a fair amount to tell, but little action to back it up for the moment; plus work and school and grad school applications have taken precedence. 

But I'll take a whack at this so here goes...

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2, Display the award on your blog--by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a "widget" or a "gadget".

Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. Nominate 5 - 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers.

6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written published it, you then have to:

8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

Fiona's Questions

1. What's your favorite erotic book?

I'm in love with the Original Sinners series by Tiffany Reisz, but Roni Loren's "Into You" series has taken up residence on my iPhone until The Priest releases in June.

2. Does anyone in vanilla life know about your kink?

Not exactly, no. I keep it private for the most part but I'm sure there's a small army of people that have figured it out ha ha.

3. What's your favorite sex toy?

It's a toss up between my princess plug that Sir gave me and Lance, my massive dildo.

4. What's your favorite color?

Purple :D

5. Do you prefer cold weather or hot weather?

I'm a chilly fall weather girl; I don't love winter cold below 20 degrees and I find heat and humidity intolerable even though I was born in midsummer.

6. What piece of furniture in your house do you love the most?

My bed. It's comfy, full of cozy pillows, it smells like Sir's cologne and it's the perfect bondage bed.

7. What's your favorite movie?

This is such a hard one! I love so many movies!!! But if I had to choose one to watch once a day forever, it would probably be Phantom of the Opera.

8. Has anyone other than your significant other ever spanked you?

Yes.

9. Do you consider yourself handy?

With horses and a farm, you have to be. I can definitely attest to being able to fix basic things, use a saw and a drill.

10. What would be your family and friends reaction to finding out you're kinky?

I think they'd all be a little disgusted, honestly. They're not the kind of people who are necessarily open minded to things like this. But that's alright, to each their own.

11. What's your favorite pair of shoes?

My custom made Renaissance Faire boots from Son of Sandlar. They only come out for the Faire, but I adore them. 

11 Random Facts About Me

1. I stress clean. 

2. I have a horrid addiction to buying handbags.

3. I have a happy little tumblr blog full of naughty (and sweet) images and words that just make me smile ...and other things...

4. I'm attending my first kink event in November, GKE.

5. I love to cook; I'll try any recipe at least twice.

6. I speak French almost fluently & and am currently teaching myself Spanish and Italian.

7. I have some very off base and intriguing fetishes that I finally confessed to SO/Sir and was ecstatic when he didn't run screaming.

8. I tend to become so absorbed in books that I will not stop reading to eat, pee, or otherwise until I've finished them.

9. I love being told to wear my plug in public and other subtle displays of public dominance.

10. I have the tiniest addiction to Coca-cola.

11. I have three more tattoos planned for the next two years. 

Now, for the moment, I need to come up with some questions and go back through the list of blogs I read to finish this, but I'll put that up ASAP!

Hugs and love to all! 

Memories New & Old

I remember vividly, the day I told him I wanted to be dominated; to be owned and claimed. At 18, I understood what it meant to me and had finally accepted my need for submission to a trusted man's dominance. I trusted him enough to tell him. 

He didn't balk. He wanted to explore  with me as best we could. 

It was less dominance than kink at that time; some days it worked, others it didn't. But there came a fateful day that ended all things non-vanilla. 

He was playing with me while with another kinky couple. My girlfriend and I were wholly enjoying the delightful cropping we were getting from our respective tops. However, SO didn't understand that 

1. I am a masochist (I don't think I truly knew) and 

2. That tears were a way I process pain (they still are)

He saw me cry, panicked, and decided that he was a horrible person and that he abused me. Despite my efforts to explain my behavior, he believed that he had hurt me irrevocably. We didn't broach the subject of kink for years. 

Lots of rather unfulfilling sex and relationship troubles later, he expressed an interest in rope bondage and I gleefully allowed him to explore and practice with me over the holidays. 

Little did I know that such a thing would morph into what I had always dreamed of...

We spent a week recommitting each other to memory and heart. It's been wonderful. He never truly left my soul, but our ups and downs had taken things out of perspective. 

I was greeted by my lover and best friend and then, surprisingly, introduced to a dominant I never knew existed. 

It's new for him. He struggled a little. But he's in it for the long haul and when he gets into TTWD, he's actually very good at it. It took me years to learn to accept it; but I had no support. I look forward to exploring with him and helping him grow as much as he will help me. 

I leave him with a very heavy heart and deliciously sore in all the right places. 

Change Part II

It's been a long 6 weeks. 

Honestly, I don't remember the last thing I posted before yesterday. 

It's just been a barrage of bad news that's forced all the change I've mentioned yesterday.

I've been sick for almost 2 months, and having sought out a doctor for once in my life, fixing what was wrong seemed simple enough; it was the other things she found that rocketed me into this funk.

Like I said, you hope for things that slip through your fingers.

There's so much reevaluating I have to do on a personal level because of this diagnosis alone. I'm scared and frustrated. 

Also, SO and I have been doing really well. We've discussed moving back into relationship territory; this adds a whole host of other problems though. 

He's willing to bend and change; we've chatted a lot since new year's fun and he's willing to pursue giving D/s a try. It's a massive step for him. He loves me dearly, and I him; six years have not been lost on us - they've just been a little bumpy.

The rest of the years isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows like I had hoped. 

But at least it's a start in the right direction.

Change.

You mourn certain losses in life more than others.

Not of people, but those cuts that dig deep into your soul, little things you had hoped for; you watch them slip through your fingers and you're bereft. 

Things are changing again. 

It's painful change, the kind that makes that knot in your throat swell until it's hard to breathe through the tears you tried so hard not to shed.

It's finally time to walk backwards a little, reembrace the past, but with a whole new perspective. 

There's a lot going on. 

There's so much I need to fix, and change, and do. 

I just hope that with a little push, some boundless optimism, and a prayer, I can get back to where things need to be. 

At this time, I'm also removing numerous old posts. That chapter is over. It's time for something new. 

Fetlife Faux Pas

This is a message I just received on Fetlife...

Now I'm well aware that forward, sometimes inappropriate people, are prone to messaging s-types in a more forward manner but I couldn't help but find this hysterical. 

"I like what I see... very much so ;-)

Please... Allow me to introduce myself - I'm (name removed) and it is a pleasure to send this message to you, and hopefully, you'll find pleasure too in what I'm about to offer you in this lifestyle :-) ...

You see, I am a Dom - but more importantly, I am a Dom who "Doms" in the name of the greatest Dom in the history of the Free World, Mr. Max Hardcore.
Now, you may or may not have heard of the man, but with over 20 years in the porn industry and over 1200 scenes shot with luscious babes like yourself, you should have heard of the legend... If you haven't Google him or check the websites I have listed as favorites on my profile.

Here's how it'd be if you were my sub...

You see - it's all about making you look adorable, and in doing so, making my cock feel incredible as I use and abuse your tight, tiny holes to jack-off my fuckrod. You see, I'm not going to bullshit you or give you some roundabout story... I tell you like it is.

I am one filthy, nasty motherfucker... but I'm also the good kind :-)
Would you happen to have MSN, Skype, or AIM? If so, hit me back with your addies!

You have amazing eyes and a gorgeous smile... I think I can take you places beyond your wildest dreams... but that's just the potential to be great I see in you.

I look forward to hearing back soon!

Until Then,
(name removed)"

I appreciate the compliments, I do. 

But to "Dom in the name of" someone else...

HAHAHAHAHA

Nights in White Satin

He was no rope master, but years of being an outdoorsman had served him well. With practiced hands, he wove his satin spell around her body. 

Every pull of the length ignited a small fire over whatever limb it touched, long strands of silk juxtaposed by a momentary scratch. 

With each new knot, he kissed her somewhere new. First it was her forehead; tender and sweet. Then, her cheekbone; he could feel her smile against his lips. Next, her lips...slow and sweet. 

Spreading her lower lips, he slipped the rope on either side of her clit as he moved down her jawline to her neck. The simultaneous pull and bite making her knees weak and a moan escape. She was delirious with it all.

Her thoughts, like her, were tied into a neat little package; no chance for escape. He had her kneel on the couch, long hair loose, leaning over the arm. He'd never seen her so still, so quiet. Fingering her hair, she went deeper, stilling even more; relishing her captivity and comfort.

The faint brush of fingertips down her harness, across her spine reminded her how this man played her body like an instrument; eliciting responses she couldn't readily contain. No one knew her like this. 

Without preamble, one hand gripped her mane, the other making brutal contact with her ass. The slow burn spread. Another fell, drawing a squeak and a groan. They rained down, varying in location and intensity; she felt the sting transform into wet heat.

His cock presented itself in front of her. She licked and sucked with abandon. Tightly bound, taken in hand; he fucked her face. And she let go. Never had she sucked him like this before; a revelation years in the making. 

It just wasn't enough for her. So with three simple words she found herself facing the wall, spread on the couch, impaled. A hand on her throat, head pulled back by a fist in her hair, she was well and thoroughly fucked. She climaxed in waves, shivering, surrendered to the pleasure. 

Now every time she sees that 100 feet of white heaven, she smiles, and prays for next time.